Managing malevolence

Say what you like about me, there are few people who hold a grudge better.

I know this is neither a desirable nor an attractive quality, and it's one I would dispense with if I could, but I've tried, I can't, and at times I can do nothing but rather guiltily admire the power of it.

Example #1

I was done down by someone a few years ago. Three years previously, she had given me a big vase for my birthday. It wasn't a particularly nice vase, but nor was it unpleasant. It was the kind of present you get someone when you feel you should get them a present but you don't really know what they like.

It started to bother me after we fell out. I only really kept it because she might notice if I didn't. I make a lot of effort with people's feelings on the whole, which I think is why I take it so badly when they piss on mine.

I thought about smashing it, but felt that would be a waste and I should give it to a charity shop. I never got round to it. And then when we moved, I found it a new home. It now sits in my room holding bits of junk and the carrier bags that I use as bin liners. This pleases me.

Example #2

A friend of mine gave me a plant, which was given to her by someone we both have grounds to loathe. She was going to chuck it, but I was about to buy a similar plant, so I said I would have it. Take it, she said, I don't want it. So I did.

And I love plants, but I can't love this one. I give it just enough attention to deprive it of a swift exit, but not enough so it thrives. I can't help it. It will die. I will kill it.

I think this is all quite healthy. I don't behave badly, there are no scenes, and nobody gets hurt. We all need pressure valves, right?

Cackle cackle

joella