My non-spotless mind part 2

My latest malevolent daydream goes like this.

I am walking through the car park near where I work, minding my own business, admiring the autumn leaves on the trees, enjoying the sunshine and swinging my red umbrella.

Several teenage boys cycle past. One of them shouts something at me, and they all laugh. I don't know what it is, it is probably one of those made up teenage words that means 'you are ugly and ancient'. When I was a teenager, boys used to shout Moose! Not at me, though, as I was a teenager too. This is a treatment reserved for women in their 30s and 40s.

With the grace and accuracy of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I swing round, pressing the button on my umbrella handle. It telescopes out to its full length, while remaining furled, and I swipe the boy neatly round the head. He flies off his bike and lands in a heap. His friends crash into him and land in more heaps. I click my umbrella back and walk away.

In extended versions, I get caught and hauled in front of the boy's parents, who are middle class and angry and demand an apology and a new bike wheel. I say, yes, I apologise. Unreservedly. It was a completely unacceptable reaction and out of all proportion to his offence.

However, I add, this is not the first time I have had a teenage boy shout in my face from a bicycle. I know other women who have had teenage boys shout in *their* faces too. And I would put money on it not being the first time your son has shouted abuse at an adult woman. So you can see it as a collective outburst of rage against all such behaviour. You're lucky I didn't kill him.

As for the bike wheel, sue me.

I walk away again.

joella