Every now and again, I worry that I've run out of things to say. Last week, I was a bit short of words. Not of thoughts, but of words: there are some things joella doesn't talk about.
But fortunately, yesterday I had a lunch so spectacularly shite that I feel compelled to share the experience. This is particularly for the benefit of Oxford-based readers, so that they may sidestep the trap into which I fell.
About ten years ago, my Australian half-uncle, then based in London, introduced me to the joys of wagamama. I'd never seen or tasted anything like it and I absolutely loved it. I still go there whenever I can, and have a yasai chilli men or a yasai yaki soba, some gyoza and some miso soup and pickles, washed down with a raw juice *and* a Asahi Super Dry.
The Lexington St branch, the second to open and the one I have been to most often, is looking a bit faded now (I knew those hands-free taps were a bad idea), but there are any number of shiny new branches, many of them outside London.
However, Oxford hasn't got one. What we have instead is a copycat Noodle Bar. It claims to offer Chinese rather than Japanese food, but that's no excuse for the execrable quality of its cuisine.
The concept is good: it offers four different kinds of noodle, which you can have fried or in soup with a range of different ingredients. There are also rice dishes and lots of side dishes. You sit at long shared tables, wagamama style, and dishes come out as they are ready, also wagamama style.
But there the similarity ends. I had fried mai fun noodles with mixed Chinese vegetables. M had ho fun noodles in soup with chicken. We ordered seared vegetable dumplings and salt and pepper squid on the side. We also had jasmine tea, which came very fast, but then it doesn't take long to put a single teabag in a pot (and charge £2 for it).
Mine came first. What's the cheapest vegetable you can think of? Onion. What's the nastiest? Green pepper. Which two vegetables were present in large, slightly undercooked quantities? Exactly. M's soup was watery and insipid, with some chicken and some noodles present but not much else.
The squid was evil: tough as boots and in the kind of batter I last tasted at 2am in a bad fish and chip shop in Harlesden. I would put money on it not just being frozen squid, but frozen batter as well. Which is pretty inexcusable. And the dumplings almost didn't come at all, and when they did the dough wasn't cooked through. Seared they were not.
In fairness, when we complained about the dumplings they were taken off the bill and the very competent hostess made sure to come and apologise. The service was actually very good, and though the food was shit, we did leave a tip. And then legged it - I was dying for a coffee to take the taste of onion away.
I think they should be ashamed of themselves: the main dishes are very cheap but the sides and extras aren't (eg a 60p charge for chilli oil) and it's clear there's no cost left uncut in the quest for profit. Bleurgh.
Round the corner from the Noodle Bar is the fantastic Cafe Orient, and for delightful Japanese food in the middle(ish) of town there is edamame. Never will I darken the Noodle Bar's door again, and I am grateful that I know that this is not what Chinese food tastes like. But judging by its popularity, it looks like most of Oxford doesn't.
joella
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