Miss Laetitia Cash
Would you take more than five items into the five items or fewer queue at Marks & Spencer? This, I have decided, is one of the great dividing questions of our times.
You see I never would, and I think people who do either can't read, can't count, or have an inflated sense of their own importance.
The five items or fewer queue (as distinct from the five items or less queue that you find in lesser supermarkets) is there for a reason. It is for people who are buying a few things in a bit of a hurry. There are lots of these people at lunchtimes and it makes sense to have a special queue for them so a) they don't get stuck behind people doing their weekly shop and b) the shop avoids long queues. Everyone benefits. Granted, five is a fairly arbitrary number, why not four or six, but it's generally accepted and it's a system that works.
Until people like Miss Laetitia Cash come along.
I was behind her, with two items. There were lots of people behind me, all with five items or fewer, as they are decent members of society and can read and count. She had six items, which she nonchalantly piled on the till. That I can just about live with. But then she disappeared off, bashing me with her sharp-cornered handbag as she went (I was probably a bit close to be honest, as I was giving her pile of six items a Hard Stare).
And, just as it was her turn and I was about to take her place, she arrived back with four smoothies, and added those to the pile. The assistant did look at them all and then look at her and then look at me, but she went ahead and scanned them, as I suppose good customer service people do, even if their customers do not extend the same degree of courtesy to their fellow human beings.
And *then* she produced a cheque book, and proceeded to pay with a very posh cheque from a private bank I had never heard of (which is how I know her name is Miss Laetitia Cash) -- surely the slowest way to pay that there is.
Having taken up more time than three standard transactions of five items or fewer and created a nice long queue of people on their lunch hour, she sauntered off.
I fart in her general direction.
joella
5 comments:
Be honest, dearie, if it was someone poor and ugly you would be saying 'Ah, but the sign says 'for those having 'around' five items or fewer', and engaging them in a bit of a chat about the weather.
Much as I sympathise with you, I'm afraid whilst you worry about the other people who have 'more' than you , you will never join us merry band of brigands, the disciples of Tom Hodgkinson who have realised that all that stuff about money and career and things is just distracting us from the real business of life, which is to enjoy ourselves...
And for all the dosh that she has got, if she he is harnessed to that way of life, then it is in fact more likely that she is in fact looking at you in the queue in M&S thinking 'If only I could replace my beautiful visage with one as happy, smiley and carefree as that belonging to joella..'
You see, when you get to the end of life's journey you will be kicking yourself for having spent so much time worrying that you weren't in First Class, when you realise that the point of the journey was to enjoy the view, which was pretty much the same in Standard Class, even if you don't have quite the same freebies..
p.s. for what it is worth, decent self-respecting blokes, such as myself [well there's not much point in false modesty is there] find funny, intelligent and interesting women such as yourself ten times as shaggable as laetitia who, despite not being as jumped up as you make out - her dad actually had to be 'elected' to get to Parliament - is probably too fussy over trivial stuff like the size of wallet to ever get to find out about important stuff like the size of willy..
Having just read a bumptious article by Bill Cash - (daily mail i think)It reminded me of my unfortunate encounter with Laetitia some ten years ago. I was misfortunate enough to be sharing a ward with her in the then flagship hospital of the NHS in Kensington. She had not one but two mobile phones in constant use (yes day and night!) kept the curtains around her continually closed thus blocking natural light for three of us as her bed was nearer the window AND lived like a gypsy in that the ward cleaner had her work cut out from disposed of used tissues , sweety wrappers etc. all tossed on the floor - presumably left for the 'help' to clear up! Daddy dearest visited once and was overheard defending his decision not to have her cared for privately. Undoubtedly a points scoring exercise. By the way her ailment was a broken leg , a careless driver had mown her down on the pavement - perhaps another disgruntled 5 items or fewer shopper from Waitrose ?? lol
She's in the press again....
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/mps-expenses/5402742/MPs-expenses-Bill-Cash-claimed-15000-to-pay-his-daughter-rent.html
One can but hope it stymies her chance to get into parliament.
Please god let it be so. I have long thought that the upper-middle classes have among their number some of the rudest, most inconsiderate and ignorant people that ever breathed.
I always remember Dot Cotton on EastEnders saying "be sure your sins will find you out". It would be refreshing if this started happening *before* people reach public office, I agree.
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