Hell is empty and all the devils are here

Until now, I have written about my Israeli heritage precisely three times in my life. For atrocity-based reasons, I am going there again. 

Things I am trying to avoid:

• Understandable yet simplistic hot takes on an objectively fucking terrible situation
• Predictable "on reflection" lukewarm takes on the same

If you feel I am veering in either of those directions please accept my apologies and step away. What I'm aiming for is to communicate my specific perspective on what is happening in Israel / Palestine at the moment. If you don't know me, this is probably not for you. If you feel this might upset you, likewise. I don't really know whether I have anything differentiating to say, anything that adds any value, but many people have expressed an interest in understanding the situation better, and god knows there are some bad faith takes out there. So here's what I have. 

My facts

I have a lot of family in Israel, and I have been there four times. My paternal grandmother arrived in Palestine as the youngest child of a family fleeing Nazi Germany. She met a British soldier stationed there during WW2 as part of the Palestine Mandate, they married, and my dad was their first child. He was born there *during the war*. The Holocaust was *still happening*. I find it astonishing that people got on and made babies in those circumstances, but I find it astonishing that people get on and make babies in pretty much any circumstance, so we'll leave that one there. So he's Jewish, and born in a Palestinian city which became part of Israel when it came into being in 1948. My grandmother left Israel when her husband was stationed elsewhere but returned after he died in the 1970s; her siblings and most of their families did not leave, and are fully Israeli. Her father's whole extended family was murdered in the Lodz ghetto. Maybe I actually *can* see why they got on and made babies.  

I went to Israel twice as a child, and twice as a young adult (at 18 and 22). The childhood visits were magical -- I have strong memories of experiences that reached all of my senses. Everything was so different and yet this was part of my family, they just lived in a hot place with lizards and orange trees and open top jeeps, and they spoke a different language and ate different food and laughed at different things. There were some edgy moments -- we wanted to go to Bethlehem (this might have been my request, I had a list of must-see places from an early age) and the relative who accompanied us brought along a handgun, saying okay, let's go, ABC (Another Bloody Church). That journey would be fully impossible now, and it looks a whole lot different with ye olde hindsight. At 10, I didn't even understand why custody of the putative birthplace of the little baby Jesus was fought over by three different branches of Christianity, let alone why a Jew might feel unsafe bringing us to an Arab town. Why doesn't everyone just share the church? I said. Mwahaha. I was a serious kid, but I did not grow up in a conflict zone, and for this I will always be grateful. 

The first time I went to Israel by myself was to do the kibbutz thing on my year off. I'm going to say that my political acuity was sharper by then, and I had read more history, but I did still have a fairly romantic view of the kibbutz movement and Israel in general. And the kibbutz had a lot going for it -- there was a huge swimming pool, elder care and child care both seemed to be excellent, there was a giant party in the bomb shelter every Friday night, fantastic breakfast and dinner was available every day for everyone, sparkling water came out of a tap in the wall, and there was a sense of collective community endeavour that I had never experienced. 

The kibbutz I was allocated to was Yagur - one of the largest and oldest, and an important centre for the Haganah during the Palestine Mandate era. I didn't know this at the time, but I did know that it had a sense of itself that I didn't understand. And I knew that its residents, unlike the random (ish, we were vetted, but we were from many countries and not all Jewish) volunteers, hated the "Arab village" with a similar name that was a mile or two away. The Arab village was where we volunteers got our hard liquor, and also where the kibbutz sourced a chunk of the labour for its factories. I worked in one of those factories, which moulded plastic tubes, filled them with toiletries from vast vats. then sealed and packed them. The work was mind-numbing. Bearable for a month or so if you found ways to keep your mind occupied (they did let us listen to music under our ear defenders and if you've ever wondered why I love Between The Wars so much, well it was night shifts in the plastic tube factory). They didn't like us, the kibbutznik managers, but they didn't treat us badly. We were an interchangeable necessary evil, and some of us were girls. The Arab workers, they did treat badly. Maybe not at an Amazon warehouse level, but so that you really fucking noticed. And even then, I thought, I'm here for a few months. It's not going to help this woman I'm sitting next to if I get up in the face of the foreman for treating her like shit. I don't know if she'd even thank me. 

The kibbutzniks my age were mostly in the army: there were soldiers, and checkpoints, and guns everywhere. Several of the older ones were very kind to us, and generous with their stories: one of them would have people round for beers on a Friday night after the shabbat meal and before the bomb shelter party. He had a concentration camp tattoo on his forearm, the first one I ever saw in real life. He didn't talk about that, but he talked about how the kibbutz had changed over the years. I was at Yagur for the celebration of 40 years since the founding of the state of Israel, and also Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Memorial Day, which no one told us about (maybe presuming that we knew) and I lost my shit when the air raid sirens went off. There was so much to absorb. It was also the place I took my first pregnancy test, which in 1988 was *not* as simple as peeing on a stick, got my first (and last) all over tan, and generally had some wild times. 

I also spent time with my family while I was there, including my grandmother. There was one hot afternoon when we were resting at her brother's house and she told me how she arrived in Palestine. It is a great regret of mine that I never wrote that story down, or recorded her talking, her English was fluent but heavily accented, and she had a very Yiddish turn of phrase. The cousins my own age were full Sabras -- they were friendly and welcoming, but there was a huge cultural gap that hadn't been there ten years earlier. The boys drove like absolute maniacs. One of the girls asked me when I was going to move to Israel. I said that I didn't plan to, and she asked me "why not? Israel is the only real country".

So I experienced a few things on that trip that moved some of my assumptions around, but I *was* only 18. It was my last visit that, to use a technical term, did my head in. 

I was a whole four years older for that, but in between I got a degree in social and political science. I learnt that a lot of people were pretty ill-informed about the whole Holocaust business -- even some SPS students (one of whom asked, casually, in her first term "was Hitler the first world war or the second world war?" Guys, this was Cambridge!), but I also learnt about my own ignorance. 

My understanding of the Israeli occupation first came into my world via feminism. As part of the Women's Executive Committee, I was *thoroughly* schooled by a Palestinian woman while we were preparing positions for NUS conference. If that sentence makes no sense, you did not do student politics. Which may be all to the good, it's kinda batshit, but it also helps you sharpen your thinking the fuck up. 

By the time I left, I knew about the Nakba, the First Intifada was underway, and we'd also been through the first Gulf War. My grandmother was still alive at the time, and it became very apparent why there were bomb shelters everywhere. One of my friends was experiencing equally high anxiety but from the other side of the war: he was Arab Muslim and his parents were in Kuwait. We were safe in our centuries old courtyards, but it all felt very close. 

My final (well, most recent) visit was in 1992, as part of a year's backpacking with my Significant Ex. We sandwiched about a month there in between two stints in Egypt -- one of the few countries in the region at the time that would accept people with Israeli stamps in their passports. We entered overland, on a bus from Cairo to Tel Aviv that was full of budget travellers like us. Only I nearly didn't make it across the border. The immigration form asked why we were visiting Israel and I said, truthfully, that I was visiting my family. The border guard started speaking to me in Hebrew. I don't speak Hebrew, I said. But you're Israeli! he said. I'm not though, I said, I'm British. 

They thought otherwise, or at least their computer records did. They told me I had an Israeli grandfather called Ze'ev, when I actually had a Lancastrian grandfather (long deceased) called Ben. It was all pretty stressful. They took my passport away for about an hour, and when they returned it, they had *written inside it*. In Hebrew. Which I couldn't read. What am I supposed to do with this? I asked. They told me to report to the Ministry of the Interior. 

I can't remember all the details, but basically their records had me as an Israeli citizen, and therefore eligible for military service. I had to visit government offices in two cities before I could get paperwork to leave the country (the opposite of the kind of paperwork most people are hoping for, amirite) -- and that took another several nail-biting hours on another land border, as lots of men with guns examined my letter and barked questions at me. So you know, we had a good time, the family were as hospitable as ever, we climbed Masada, we visited Jerusalem, we swam in the Sea of Galilee, we ate the best falafel in the world (Haifa bus station, may it never change). And I did get to leave, but I was pretty shaken with my encounter with the apparatus of state, as inconsequential as it was in the *waves arms in despair* scheme of things. 

I was so shaken that I've never been back, which meant I never saw my grandmother again before she died, but these things stay with you. 

My feelings

The staying with you, I would argue, is a large part of how the world got into this mess. I suppressed a lot of my feelings about all of this for a long time, because, frankly, I could. But the first time I "went there", I wrote something in the early 2000s for an internal newsletter at NGO X after I met a Palestinian colleague who was running a programme in the occupied West Bank. We got drunk together and danced to I Will Survive. He was amazing, and his partying had an edge that I really identified with. 

I don't have a copy of the thing I wrote, but I remember how hard it was to find words that worked, the ones I could find didn't seem to do the job. I know what I was trying to say, which was that the people who are attached to but not embedded in a situation, who have a stake in the game but not one their life depends on, and who can see the parallels and the equivalence while acknowledging the pain and the injustice, they are maybe the best placed to be the peacemakers. And blessed are the peacemakers, I was taught by the nuns who failed to make me into a good Catholic girl, for they shall be called the children of God. 

I am not sure that's enough of an incentive, frankly. Doesn't seem to be working, at any rate. 

The second time was on this here blog, back in 2008. I was very hedgy, but even so I was hesitant. And the third time was something I wrote at the request of one of my neighbours to celebrate the Jewish culture and heritage of the city that I live in. I did it, but I felt a bit weird about it, because I don't really feel Jewish. I was raised Catholic, my dad is a full strength atheist (as, these days, am I), and outside Israel I've never been part of any Jewish cultural stuff even. I've never been to a synagogue service. I've never even been to a bar/bat mitzvah. I like matzos, lox and bagels, chicken soup and dill pickles, but aside from that and a few Yiddish phrases and a house that has a (decorative) menorah and shofar, I'm not on the team. 

Israeli though, I do feel a bit Israeli. Which is why I'm here doing this. A bunch of other people are doing it too, many of them better than me (this is excellent, if you're done with the personal stories), but a lot of them without any of the perspective that skin in the game can bring. 

My thoughts

Okay, so if you're still with me, here are five things I believe.

1. The arc of the moral universe is long, but (with apologies to MLK) I don't think it does always bend towards justice. I think we say that to make ourselves feel better.
2. I don't think you can judge anyone by the behaviour of the government of the country they live in, even if they voted for one of the parties of government. We all know electoral systems are flawed. Some places don't even have them. 
3. We are all, overwhelmingly, a product of our environment, including to the extent we learn critical thinking. 
4. We're only just beginning to understand epigenetic trauma.
5. The vast majority of violence, including by and against civilians, is perpetrated by men. 

Taking them from the top. 

1. A lot, a LOT, of hot air is spouted about Jewish people vs the state of Israel, including by Jewish people. You can be anti-Zionist and Jewish, people say. You can be anti-Zionist and not anti-semitic. They're not the same! And it's true. They're not the same. But while Jews and Israel are conceptually and philosophically distinguishable *they are not separable*. Not since Israel has existed. 

Antisemitism is a real fucking thing. It manifests differently to other forms of racism, but that doesn't make it less real or less dangerous. It's been around forever, it has never gone away, and I don't think it ever will. I have never wanted to be defined by my Jewishness any more than I have wanted to be defined by my gender -- not because I want to disown them, but because they're just not that important to me. But tough shit, or, as my dad says, toughski shitski. The world will do that for you. 

European history is littered with pogroms. Hundreds of thousands of Jews, over hundreds of years, were massacred simply for being identifiably Jewish people living Jewish lives. This was pre the full-on genocide, and pogroms are not exclusively a Jewish experience (ask the gypsies, for example), but it was a form of structural -- at very least cultural -- oppression. And, like lynching in Jim Crow-era America, the people who were murdered did not have support, or access to justice, from any of the branches of government. They weren't valued enough to protect, or avenge.

This all sounds pompous as hell, but bear with me. Because after some centuries of collective absorption of this, maybe with what I would consider to be an over-investment in Talmudic teachings about non-violence, there was the Holocaust. 

I'd like to think that I don't have to describe the Holocaust to anyone reading this. But if you're not sure you know what happened, take yourself to the Holocaust Galleries at the Imperial War Museum in London, the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, or Yad Vashem in Jerusalem. I've been to the first and the third of these, as well as other atrocity-based museums. It's not a competition and I try hard not to be obsessed with the worst of humanity. But if you can't a) unconditionally accept that this was one of the worst genocidal acts in human history and b) there are consequences to that, you're reading the wrong blog post. 

And essentially, my view is Holocaust = Israel. If the world didn't want Israel, it should have prevented, or at best stopped the Holocaust. WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? Israel's establishment in 1948 and a lot of what's happened since has been fuelled by European guilt, backed by American dollars and delivered by Never Again fully existential Jewish fury. 

I'm not trying to excuse the Nakba. I never have. And I don't want to live in Israel -- hell, I have the paperwork to prove it. But I support its right to exist, and I can see a future where I might be grateful for it. For now, whatever it does, Israel (in some form) is going nowhere. It didn't have to happen, but it did, and that's not just on the Jews. I voted for Jeremy Corbyn's Labour, but I can see why a lot of Jewish people couldn't -- my learning from those years is that anti-semitism lurks. It was suppressed rather than excised, or even neutralised. Give it an inch, and it'll take a mile. Black Americans know this about racism. Women know this about misogyny. I don't want it to be the case but yeesh. 

2. Populations are not their governments. In this country, if they were, the Iraq War wouldn't have happened (flipside, we might have brought back hanging, but give Braverman time). You've only to read, or ideally listen to, because he reads it very engagingly, Rory Stewart's Politics on the Edge to get a sense of how hard it is to influence policy or effect meaningful change even if you are a minister in the government of the day. Most MPs in the party in power are not ministers, most MPs (usually) do not belong to the party in power, most MPs were not elected by a majority of their electorate, or even the majority of the people who voted. And we count as a functioning parliamentary democracy. 

Israel is also a functioning parliamentary democracy, though it is on its thirty-seventh government in 75 years, as a result of there never having been a majority or even a stable minority government. This is down to the plethora and diversity of its political parties, and a very pure form of proportional representation. Coalition governments can have their strengths, but can also mean striking some pretty unsavoury deals (in this case, with right wing extremists) in order to function at all. And the people of Gaza have not had an election since 2006, which is when Hamas came to power. No one under 35 has ever had the chance to vote, and half the population is under 30. 

There are limited other ways to overturn governments that don't want to go, and pretty much all of them require violence, which is a high-risk choice in a militarised state. Non-violent protest is of course valid, but increasingly restricted and not always safe. So I get the don't mourn, organise message, but sometimes it's a privilege, and honestly, civil disobedience has its limits. Some places, it will get you (or your family) killed, and not everyone is ready to be a martyr. So I have limited time for the "why don't the people of Gaza overthrow Hamas" type arguments. As someone pointed out the other day, hundreds and thousands of demonstrators on the streets of London, Berlin, Washington etc can't even get their governments to get the Israeli government to *pause the bombing to deliver humanitarian aid to civilians*. People do have power, but not much of that kind. 

3. When I was a teenager, I had a Saturday job in a bread shop which briefly also operated a stall in a food market in the next town. It was not a good posting, trade was slow and the other stall holders were not that chatty. But I did once get talking to the guy on the stall next to me, who was probably in his 50s, and he told me that he'd never been further than Preston. Which was about 15 miles away. This blew my mind. I was not well travelled at that point, but I'd been to Spain, Ireland, Austria, Israel and various parts of the UK, and I knew I was only just getting started. 

Wittgenstein famously said that the limits of your language are the limits of your world. I think about that a lot. But the limits of your physical world are just as important. When you meet someone whose life has been steeped in ease and privilege, whose family and surroundings have provided opportunities and removed barriers, you can sometimes meet a person who's full of arrogance and prejudice, who genuinely thinks they are better than other people because they can't see the value of the hand they've been dealt, but you can also sometimes meet a person who has had access to so much love and acceptance that they are wholly generous and altruistic. They can see the best in the world because the world can see the best in them. Most of those people are a bit of both, but I think my weakness for posh men is rooted in the fact that the best of them really aren't misogynist, why on earth would they feel the need to be? And not being misogynist is the fastest way to get with me, so I don't really look much further. 

But when you meet someone whose life has been steeped in oppression, persecution and suffering, there's a different kettle of fish to try and process. I would say they can also be some of the best and the worst of humanity. At worst, in ways I find I can empathise with though not excuse, I can see the desire to annihilate the oppressor. I have had murderous thoughts. I would likely have been recruitable as a terrorist-slash-freedom-fighter, in the right circumstances. If you see no hope in your life, your future, the future of your people or your way of life, what is the best of the limited options available? There might come a point where, as Emilio Zapata said, you feel that it's better to die on your feet than live on your knees. And if you get to that point, why not go out with a bang? 

I stress that I am not justifying any of this. Any of it. 

Because on the other side of that equation are the people who have seen and experienced the unspoken, even the unspeakable, who have, in so many extraordinary, remarkable, humbling ways, held on to their empathy, their sense in a common humanity, or something even deeper. Some of the finest humans I have met in my half century on this earth are those who have been through experiences I can't imagine, who know I have never been subjected to those experiences personally, that I might even have been (or might yet still be) part of the system that perpetrated terror and anguish on their people, their traditions, their family, and can still see *my* humanity. And before they hate me, they look for ways to connect with me, That takes more than balls, that takes faith. Not religious faith, a different kind of faith. But it's the only kind of faith I have. 

Most of the people I have met in my life are at neither of those extremes, of course, but your British people, your Global Northerners even, definitely swing towards privilege, overall. Especially your straight white men. 

My goal, as a young woman, was to be part of the solution. I wanted to fix the world, and (because I was applying logic) I felt that before I could fix it I needed to understand it, so I should see as much of it as possible. And I honestly tried. There are people in my life who've done a much better job of this than I have, intentionally, and I salute them. There are people in my life who've crossed borders to support their families, and there are people in my life who've been flung from pillar to post, from culture to culture, for much darker reasons. I salute them too. But while I recognise that you can never experience someone else's reality, I have learnt so much from some of the places and people I've been privileged enough to visit and meet, whether backpacking or when I was working for NGO X. Young women dying from AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, ex-guerilla fighters in Central America, women trying to bring their children up in IDP camps, sex workers in South East Asia, farmers, activists, refugees, survivors of sexual abuse, addicts, orphans, breadwinners, people of deep faith and none. And you know what? Jo Cox was right. We do have far more in common than that which divides us, but not everyone can see that. 

Over the years, I have developed a lasting suspicion that not everyone wants to. Because if you can see the humanity in your enemy, you will start to feel empathy, and once you're feeling empathy, it's a lot harder to shoot them in the head or bomb the fuck out of their hospitals. 

4. Having said that. We're learning that the body keeps the score, and not just from the trauma that is directly perpetrated on us as individuals. We inherit, in ways we don't yet understand, the trauma of our forebears. I don't know much about it myself at all, but I'm reading. Here's an example of how it might be playing out for some Israeli Jews. 

I read something that absolutely chilled me a couple of days ago -- as part of a great Twitter thread (I recommend the whole thing): "...when I think of the children our grandchildren will bring into this world I can't abide the thought that our bloodlust today - our cowardice - will wake them up with nightmares fifty years from now. Their parents have not yet been conceived and we've already scarred them."

Think. On. That. I think she's mainly talking about what their daily realities might be -- endless cyclical conflict for reducing returns on a dying planet -- but babies born to malnourished mothers, to traumatised mothers, to mothers who never felt safe, to mothers who were raped -- those babies don't come out unaffected by that. We hear a lot in safe Western countries (where birth outcomes also skew hard against babies born to disadvantaged mothers) about the importance of a good birth experience -- right now there are women in Gaza having emergency C-sections without anaesthetic, knowing that has been priced in.

What you inherit doesn't excuse what you do, but it can help explain it. There are no level playing fields in this situation.

5. I'm reading thousands of words a day at the moment, seeking to find meaning in horror, to find a place that reflects my grief and rage but in a way that offers hope, even an opportunity to make a difference.

I am not sure that marching will do that for me -- I think branding them as "hate marches" is fucking outrageous, though regretfully not out of character for our Home Secretary -- but it *is* complicated, and slogans do not allow for that. I have been on many marches / demos / sit ins in my life (the last one was protesting the closure of a public library -- if you can't experience places directly you can read their stories) but I can't (yet) do the Free Palestine ones. I did one once, in 2008, because Israel was bombing the fuck out of Gaza -- not anything like in the way it is now, but I was finding it unbearable and I wanted to protest. I joined a group of people in the middle of Oxford -- it wasn't a march as we didn't go anywhere, we moved up and down the same street, holding candles, chanting and waving Palestinian flags. The chant changed to "In our thousands, in our millions, we are all Palestinians". And I had to leave. Because I am not Palestinian. If I'm anything in this unholy mess, I'm Israeli. I can't lie by chanting, any more than I can lie any other way. I can't shake shake shake it off. I might hate everything that's happening to the point that I howl at the moon, but I'm not Palestinian.

I feel a bit different about the river to the sea chant -- there's a reading of it that's problematic for me, but many other readings that are fine. My solidarity with the Palestinian people and cause is real, but I can't fit what I want to shout into a tidy chant (I mean, have you *seen* the length of this blog post? And this is the short version). So I don't. But I don't mind if you do, I can see why you do.

We have to acknowledge the complexity. We have to. This didn't start yesterday, and it won't end tomorrow. I wish it were otherwise, but it's not, and reducing it to a binary is kind of why I never say anything, and why I am anxious even about saying this.

But what I do feel, and I can say, is that this war, this seemingly endless conflict, is overwhelmingly being waged by men. I think the civilian population of Gaza are sacrificial in the game of Hamas, who are on record as wanting to annihilate Israel as a Jewish state, as much as they are sacrificial in the game of Israel, who murder them in their thousands because they're in the way. The Hamas power structure -- and do correct me if I'm wrong -- is entirely male and mostly living in the relative safety of Qatar. Similarly, while Israel has had women leaders and cabinet ministers and is much higher on the gender equality index than any of the countries it is in conflict with, it's run by a macho gerontocracy. It does conscript women (yay equality!) but the soldiers on the front line are overwhelmingly male and overwhelmingly young. As are (again, unless I've missed something) all of the Hamas operatives.

We know that children don't have a voice in this. Another quote I read this week was from George Bernard Shaw, who, when challenged on his support for the founding of Save The Children in 1919 (specifically their feeding of children from the defeated Austrian Empire), said "I have no enemies under six". But honestly, do you think that the people who birthed those children, who are still birthing children, whose lives are in many ways defined by that, want this conflict to endure? I'm not saying men want to bury their children -- god help me, the photos of dads with their dead kids are the *most* agonising for me, because those dads know that it was other kids' dads that killed their kids. That must be fucking unbearable.

But honestly, while I know women can be dreadful humans, really I do, take all of the men in the world out of the mix for like six months, there'd be a two state solution in draft here. Maybe even a one state solution, which would be more durable, though I reckon that would take more like 18 months. We won't do it, of course, but that's in my global manifesto. Look at a different kind of cost, and a different kind of benefit, can we not? Women's bodies keep the score of actually making new people.

So that's an analysis I'm not hearing much. And the other one is what this shit is doing to the environment. Why am I separating my recycling when whole cities are being pulverised with heavy munitions dropped from fighter jets? Make it make sense. And that's before we get to the deliberate destruction of infrastructure, and I include the deliberate destruction of security in that. People who feel safe can live better lives. More sustainable lives. Lives of justice and regeneration. Survival mode is unsustainable in so many ways.

So where do we go from here? 

It's taken me ages to write this because for several weeks I could barely see the point of getting out of bed, let alone saying anything about why. There are people holding rage and grief everywhere, and if you're one of the ones who doesn't see the complexity you are probably raging at me now. But my strategy for *decades* has been "don't go there". And I don't think I'm alone in feeling that, right now, that's just not fucking good enough. 

So one of *my* motivations is to say to anyone reading this, there is a messy middle. There's always a messy middle, and if you want to find solutions, lasting ones, you need to give the messy middle space to express and explore itself. The tipping points in a system, at least the ones where fewer people die, are to be found in the complexity, not at the extremes. Occupying, or inhabiting, ambiguity does not make you a weak person or a weak thinker. In my experience, quite the reverse. 

And another is... this isn't going to be solved by military force, or, actually, force of any kind. I live in an intentional community which was founded with high ideals. It had a little of the attraction of a kibbutz about it (my dad still calls it The Kibbutz, and M wrote a blog called Wrong Kibbutz, which aimed to be exploratory but which went down like a bucket of cold sick with some of its founders) but we fell foul of all of the purist shit that idealism brings. Welcome to rural Lancashire, when a request for tinned sardines can get you accused of wanting to eat human fingers. Extremism is real everywhere, y'all. That's the real enemy. 

The secret is pluralist idealism, I reckon. All oppressed people have high dreams. Look for the ways the whole planet can express its whole self. Do no harm but take no shit. Keep upscaling your thinking -- what's the impact beyond what you can see? What do you want? What do you need? What would you settle for? What would the people you love settle for? What do you want the people you hate to settle for? (is it dialogue?) 

In any situation like this, there's asymmetry, and it's on the side with more power to move first and further. The longer a view you take with this one, the harder it is, but right now the onus is on Israel to cease and desist, and *then* insist on negotiation. They say you can't negotiate with terrorists, but you can try. Look at Northern Ireland. 

I'm not a hippie. I have many non-negotiables. But this isn't going to get fixed without a sea change, And I think a lot of the affected people in this conflict would countenance that, way more than a month ago. As the saying goes "They tried to bury us. They did not know we were seeds". 

I have one final thought, which isn't original, but none of this is original. Look to art. I've often thought about Dostoevsky's line "Beauty will save the world". Here's something Alexander Solzhenitsyn, who knew more about pain and injustice than most of us ever will, said about this line in 1970 (source):

"One day Dostoevsky threw out the enigmatic remark: “Beauty will save the world”. What sort of a statement is that? For a long time I considered it mere words. How could that be possible? When in bloodthirsty history did beauty ever save anyone from anything? Ennobled, uplifted, yes – but whom has it saved?

There is, however, a certain peculiarity in the essence of beauty, a peculiarity in the status of art: namely, the convincingness of a true work of art is completely irrefutable and it forces even an opposing heart to surrender. It is possible to compose an outwardly smooth and elegant political speech, a headstrong article, a social program, or a philosophical system on the basis of both a mistake and a lie. What is hidden, what distorted, will not immediately become obvious.

Then a contradictory speech, article, program, a differently constructed philosophy rallies in opposition – and all just as elegant and smooth, and once again it works. Which is why such things are both trusted and mistrusted.

In vain to reiterate what does not reach the heart.

But a work of art bears within itself its own verification: conceptions which are devised or stretched do not stand being portrayed in images, they all come crashing down, appear sickly and pale, convince no one. But those works of art which have scooped up the truth and presented it to us as a living force – they take hold of us, compel us, and nobody ever, not even in ages to come, will appear to refute them.

So perhaps that ancient trinity of Truth, Goodness and Beauty is not simply an empty, faded formula as we thought in the days of our self-confident, materialistic youth? If the tops of these three trees converge, as the scholars maintained, but the too blatant, too direct stems of Truth and Goodness are crushed, cut down, not allowed through – then perhaps the fantastic, unpredictable, unexpected stems of Beauty will push through and soar TO THAT VERY SAME PLACE, and in so doing will fulfil the work of all three?

In that case Dostoevsky’s remark, “Beauty will save the world”, was not a careless phrase but a prophecy? After all HE was granted to see much, a man of fantastic illumination.

 I offer three more things which have helped me this last month: 

• From the daughter of a dictator -- if you can see it, do,
• Nina Simone's song I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
• The closing lines to a specific Billy Bragg song

Peace, bread, work and freedom, is the best we can achieve. Wearing badges is not enough, in days like these. 

joella

TW: meta-blogging

I woke up on Friday morning - the beginning of my non-working week - wondering what to do with myself. There are some chunky items on the not-so-rolling Big Ticket to-do list. These include

• Work out what to do with the rest of my life 
• Turn vague pension-related anxiety into concrete (and therefore potentially actionable) pension-related anxiety. Something to do with SERPS. I have no idea 
• Finish Marie Kondo'ing. Have got only as far as the fiction plus putting all the non-fiction in a heap, have had a heap of non-fiction for over a month now
• Paint the entire house apart from that one wall we've managed to paint and buy some blinds for the bedrooms
• Make a new will 
• Change the filter in the cooker hood and find some bulbs for it that don't buzz. Doesn't sound chunky but somehow is 

I do know that if I threw myself at any item on the lower end of this list I could make a dent in it. I can be effective. I have skills. But I lack momentum, and am easily daunted at the moment. Well, usually. I need to wait for a gap in the mental traffic and then dart into it. 

And I wasn't feeling very darty so I moved on to the Granular to-do list. This is largely made up of smaller but still life-enhancing items, such as 

• Make that third string lampshade
• Make that third and fourth rag rug seat pad for the outdoor chairs
• Design the Hanging Gardens of Babylon* and go buy the guttering (watch this space)
• Download bank statements before they disappear forever (am pleasingly ahead of the game here but you only get so many months stored online and it never seems to be quite enough for the tax return)
• Hassle the plumber about the toilet and the pressure reducing valve on the hot water cylinder (we are binning one of the eco-toilets. It leaks, it doesn't shift solid matter, it means we get through toilet brushes like there's no tomorrow, and it is generally shit. If it wasn't one with a STUPID concealed cistern I could do it myself, but it is. I have the plumbing skills but not the carpentry and tiling skills, and I don't want a bathroom that looks like I would leave it looking. And the cylinder is an ongoing saga. But the plumber is good, which means he's busy, and this is small beans) 
• Find a home for that extraordinary goth-meets-fuchsia ball dress I wore in 1989 that my mum kept all those years that I can't quite bear just to give to Oxfam

But even this list felt a bit ambitious. I sensed myself gravitating towards the Maintenance of Status Quo to-do list, which includes such lofty ambitions as 

• Make a plan for that parsley in the fridge
• Go to the allotment 
• Laundry
• Ring my dad
• Deal with Ecoville email backlog
• Read books
• In fact do anything that isn't Candy Crush alternating with Twitter and existential despair

In my defence, all this thinking happened before I even got out of bed. Perhaps less impressively, I didn't get out of bed for quite a while. But just before I did, I settled on a manageable-yet-slightly-stretchy item: write a blog post. 

I love this blog. I am its biggest fan. For its first 10 years it documented many of my best thoughts, and many of my stupidest actions. It's been faltering for its last few years though. This is partly because first Facebook and then smartphones came along, and something that might have developed into a blog post became easier and more immediately rewarding to post as a status update - and when you can post something NOW why would you let it settle and ferment, and who would even read my thoughts on Ken Livingstone fully two days later? But also because the internet has become a nasty place for women who express opinions - I've had only the mildest of these experiences (despite being a holder of some pretty strong opinions) and I know that's because, recently, I've done most of my opinion expressing in a less public space than this. If I've expressed them at all. 

Which is all a bit sad, and I want to do better. But also one picks one's battles, and I've had some others on closer to home. And some of that is why I decided to write a blog post on Friday morning, and it's taken me to nearly midnight on Monday to squeeze one out. I have the words, but I'm a little constipated. 

In between, for the record, I've taken pure pleasure in the appearance of my first asparagus spears and in the progress of the baby blackbirds currently living on our balcony. I've had thoughts about privilege and aggression. I've engaged in, and quickly been exhausted by engaging in, FB conversation about Ken and Israel and antisemitism and yada yada. I've made (partly in response) some proper Israeli-style houmous which I enjoyed with my two favourite cis straight white able bodied middle class men (one of them Jewish, which shouldn't matter, but then none of this shit should matter). I have mopped up the urine of a small dog on steroids who had an accident. I've administered pain relief to a terminally ill gerbil. I've drunk too much red wine. I've danced to Prince and sung Springsteen into the wind. I've spent yet more silly money on deodorant that isn't all chemically but probably won't actually work. I've momentarily overcome my fear of Ecoville communal eating and enjoyed a delicious, spicy dinner and a lot of laughing squidged around the All Foods Table. I've learned more than I thought I'd ever need or want to know about the Peninsular War. I've delighted in Lindy West's latest. I've read the first third of Wool. 

And I've written this. It may be a new start, it may not even be that. But I'd like to keep it up. 

joella

* I do still intend to write a post about the many good things about living in Ecoville. But not today. 

Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness

It's my birthday today. I was born exactly 25 years after the liberation of Auschwitz, which anniversary is now marked every year as Holocaust Memorial Day. Today we remember the six million Jews who were murdered by the Nazis, and all the other people that regime set about systematically annihilating because they were gay or Roma or mentally 'defective' or Communist or or or. We also remember those who died in subsequent genocides, in Cambodia, Rwanda, Bosnia, Darfur. Et al.

HMD was first marked in the UK in 2001. Until then, I had no idea of the date's significance. Initially, I was pretty pissed off that it was on my birthday. But I've been coming round.

This is me and my grandma in 1988, when I spent three months in Israel during my year off. She was born in 1920, and left Germany for Palestine, with her father and siblings, in 1928.

So she survived. My dad got born - during the war, when Auschwitz was still in full swing. Some years later, I got born too.

Today, I missed my mum a bit, had a lovely lunch with M and my dad, had a brief love-in with Otto the dachshund, bought some chicken noodle soup in Booths, and came home to do an hour or so's work. I could have gone to the HMD event in Lancaster, where one of Anish Kapoor's 70 candles for 70 years was being lit. But I went to yoga instead, and did my remembering there.

Check our matching noses. Keep the memory alive.

joella

I demand a better future

I'm just back from Telford and Manchester, a sewing machine richer, a Swiss Army Knife poorer, and full of the reflected warmth of family and old friends N & D plus their two-and-a-bit children -- the soon-to-be-middle one of whom I am reluctant godmother to. The reluctance is all to do with the god part and nothing to do with her: she is small and thoughtful and determined, and can already paint with one hand and eat with the other with only minor crossover complications.

Her mother N is one of my favourite people in the whole world -- also small (though quite big at the moment) and thoughtful and determined. We met when she was 14 and I was 15 and we worked together in a bread shop on Saturdays. 'Something reminded me of the Bread Oven the other day,' I said. 'I can't remember what it was now'*.

Really stale bread? she said. Or did you meet a Nazi?

She was referring to Grant the baker, who terrorised us both from our arrival at 8.30 each Saturday until he left around noon. It was so bad that we used to meet somewhere else at 8 -- the lorry driver's cafe in the winter, on the beach in the summer -- to gather our strength and so we would always arrive together. Then we would take it in turns to be the one who first ventured into the back of the shop to get the pork pies out of the fridge. He hated us both -- me because I tried to stand up to him and N because she didn't -- and me a little bit more (maybe) because I didn't hide the fact I was a little bit Jewish and a little bit academic and he didn't hide the fact that he was more than a little bit Jew-hating and more than a little bit of a porn-eating book burner. There were bruises along the way, and none of them on him.

I hope he's dead now, she said. I really do. I do too, I said. Let me know if you hear anything, so I can leave a pork pie and a gherkin on his grave.

The next morning, we were dissecting the Guardian Family Section article about tomboys. In my view, like most Guardian Family Section articles, it raised a potentially interesting issue then drowned it in mediocre middle class reportage. The tomboy in the 1970s sense -- the girl who wants to be a boy, as epitomised by George in the Famous Five -- is a fascinating creature. Does she want to be a boy because boys have freedom of movement and expression that girls are denied? Does she want to be a boy because she can see that boys are more valued in the world? Does she actually identify as a boy? Or does she just hate wearing dresses and playing with dolls and being expected to be passive and nice?

Th article didn't really tell us. The 'genuine tomboy' they interviewed did seem to have some interesting stuff going on, and I think that was handled well, though all the stuff about the 'anonymous mothers' of other tomboys rather diluted the positivity of the story of the lone seven year old whose mother doesn't mind.

But I ain't her, and neither is N, yet we were both labelled tomboys in our time. I don't want to be a boy, I said to N, while a little on the drunk side, and I never have. I just want to be taken seriously.

Exactly, she said. And I fucking hate (she added, five months pregnant, stone cold sober and waving a spatula) wearing a dress. When you wear a dress everyone looks at you, and tells you how great you look, and you know, it's nobody's fucking business how I look except mine.

This is a wilderness point of view in a world that has plastic surgery ads on the back of buses. But it's one I share, and we clinked glasses and toasted a better future for her daughters. I'd like to think they will have more options than we had, but observing our overmediated, X-factored, pink and blue-drenched age, I am not so sure.

Having said that, I had the late night munchies last night, and ate cheese and crackers sitting on the loo while M danced round the kitchen singing 'she's a matzo girl, living in a matzo world'. There's a place for everyone, if we can only find it.

joella

* I have remembered and forgotten what it was several times since first drafting this. Getting up early? Eccles cakes? Parkin?

Because I'm worth it

Last Friday I had a meeting with my mentor. He is someone I see every couple of months -- I explain what I'm trying to do at work and he picks gentle holes in it. I close the hole, and another one appears. After a couple of hours he says 'yes, that just about makes sense' and I leave feeling a bit tender but much happier. It's very therapeutic. And the idea is that I do a better job as a result, which is why NGO X is prepared to spring for an off peak train ticket to London and a sandwich afterwards.

Normally I try and combine this with another meeting in London, as by the time I've got myself back to the office it's hardly worth it, but last Friday I decided instead to take the afternoon off. I was on the South Bank, so I thought of the Hayward or Tate Modern, but those are default choices. I wanted to be intrepid.

Intrepidness also involves avoiding the Tube, so I decided to go somewhere I could walk to. I settled on the Imperial War Museum, which I don't think I've been to before (or if I have it was a long, long time ago). I got most of the way there by walking along the river, past the London Aquarium, which awoke my Blackpool nerve endings... water noises, chill wind, the smell of cheap food, hordes of disoriented people having organised fun a long way from home.

In the IWM cafe, I read my book about growing vegetables over a homity pie and a glass of red, which led to a conversation about the trials of clay soil and the joys of sweetcorn with an elderly couple with cut-glass accents. Turned out he owns a farm just outside Oxford. She lives in Chiswick. I suspect they were having an assignation.

I stumbled into a First World War trench on the way to the loo, which was interesting, but I still had Blackpool on my mind and it was a bit too reminiscent of the Gold Mine ride on the Pleasure Beach. Anyway, what I'd really come to see was the Holocaust Exhibition.

I've been to Yad Vashem in Jerusalem, and to the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam, and seen various films and read various books - most recently The Lost, by Daniel Mendelsohn (a hefty tome that I read in Finland and which M dubbed 'Jo's Bumper Book of Jews'). I've learned something from all of them. But the exhibition at the IWM is easily, far and away, the best thing I've ever seen, read, watched or listened to on the subject. It manages to combine the sort of historical analysis that can only happen from a reasonable distance with survivors' testimony that can only be gathered from living memories. I was in there for hours, and then, by the exit, I sat down and wept.

I started to wander through the In Memoriam exhibition about WW1 afterwards, which is also excellent, but I couldn't really take it in. So instead I wandered around the park outside for a while, then headed back over the river to meet my friend R after work. I did this by getting on a bus, and I was incredibly pleased with myself for managing to avoid rush hour Tube hell *and* get a great top-deck view all the way over Westminster Bridge and into Soho.

I was hoping I could persuade R into the Intrepid Fox, which I used to love. I wanted a shot of the legendary, terrifying toilets for my collection. But sadly, it is boarded up. We went instead to the gorgeous Busaba, and then to a strange little wine cafe on Lexington Street where we squeezed into the tiniest space imaginable and drank something exorbitantly priced but delicious while trying (and failing) not to bang our heads on the legs of ham swinging from hooks around the place. Not that it was a problem, we were too busy talking talking talking.

I couldn't avoid the Tube forever, and I used it to get myself to Paddington in time for the last sensible train back to Oxford. En route I checked my phone to find a text message confirming a rumour that I hadn't dared really believe might be true. I was hoping M would be up to help me celebrate, but figured I would probably, in my half cut state, be rather annoying company. But then halfway home I looked up at a familiar window, to see someone leaning out of it, surveying the street scene. It wasn't C, as I had expected, but his 17 year old daughter G, who invited me up. There was a little session going on, of the sort I almost never get to take part in these days. I wondered at the appropriateness of this, and then thought 'fuck it'.

So I got home smelling of smoke and pork, giggling a little and giddy with happiness. I"m guessing most people's Me Time won't look anything like mine, and I wouldn't try and persuade you that it should. But I would try and persuade you that it's worth taking some. The glow still hasn't quite worn off.

joella

"What I saw is quite beyond my powers of description."

Oh, why am I watching The Relief of Belsen? It's not cheering me up any.

But maybe it's worse not to watch it. It's done well, I think. Better it's made than not. Better it's broadcast than not. It reminds me why I am happy to be British: you really can make the world a better place with little more than a sense of decency and good project management skills. And it reminds me of Banksy's Manifesto, which can still move me to tears.

There is evil, but there is also good. There is inhumanity, but there is also art that works for anyone with a heart.

joella