This isn't very sisterly but it needs to come off my chest

Dear Jessica / Camilla / Charlotte / Phoebe (delete as applicable)

Congratulations on getting into Oxford Brookes! Your parents must be delighted with this return on their investment in your education.

The chances are high that you will, in later life, get away with telling people that you went to university in Oxford. But while you are here we need to make sure that you are clearly identifiable as actually quite thick.

You must therefore wear the following uniform at all times:

Giant sunglasses
Hip-skimming, violently patterned top of your choice, cut to display maximum cleavage and cling to puppy fat
Belt of 4" width or greater serving no discernible purpose
Flippy miniskirt just a little shorter than you have the legs to carry off
Leggings
Flip flops

If you get cold, you may add a pashmina and swap your flip flops for Uggs. If your breasts are not sufficiently wobbly (ideally they should look like a pair of orange blancmanges), proceed to Subway and eat meatball torpedos until they are.

Please note that failure to comply with this directive will result in the impounding of your Renault Clit.

Regards
Brookes Admissions

joella