Not a problem at all?

I love the English language. It is sophisticated and intricate, and (when used properly) allows the drawing of delicate yet important distinctions. So it feels particularly annoying that one very important phrase is completely missing.

That phrase is the reply to the words 'thank you'.

In lots of languages this word is the same as the word for 'please', which seems sensible, and you do find non-native English speakers saying 'please' when you thank them for holding the door open or whatever. I don't think it's going to catch on, but it has the great advantage of providing acknowledgement without any great engagement.

The most standard English response -- 'you're welcome' -- has been hijacked by Americans, I feel, and is also a bit over the top if what you've been thanked for is something pretty low-effort, like passing the salt.

Even if it's not low effort, it can still fall short. I thanked someone for some advice the other day. It was good advice, but she said 'you're welcome', which, while I am not sure what else she could have said, kind of made it feel like I'd had a problem and she'd given me a solution. 'You're welcome' puts the bestower in a position of magnanimity, and the reality is rarely so straightforward.

In Spanish they sometimes say 'de nada' -- which I think translates best as 'think nothing of it'. It works well in Spanish. In English if you say that, or 'it was nothing' or something similar, the thanker can be left wondering why they bothered to thank you at all.

And lately I have found call centre and technical support people using 'not a problem at all'. I think this is supposed to convey an aura of professional service combined with just a touch of mateyness, but it doesn't work for me. I feel it should have been a little bit of a problem, or else I would have been able to sort it out myself. Where's the added value?

It would all be so much simpler if we just had an automatic response. No double meaning, no nuances, no scope for awkwardness. In Lancashire they quite often say 'you're all right', which is neutral and multipurpose and just a touch self-effacing. That works quite well. As does 'no worries', the Australian version, though it's difficult to say as an English person without sounding like an arse.

And I still don't get how a language as evolved as ours can have missed such an important trick. Maybe it says something about the contrariness of the Anglo-Saxon mindset.

joella